Part 22G: The Me Has Company In Limbo.

That Valkyrie, the one who explored Limbo, was named Rionya, and she served as a cautionary tale that parents told their children, and scientists told their clones, as they grew up on Valhalla, a warning that straying from the Valkyrie way could lead to madness and worse.

"Worse?" we would ask, as children, when the older folk would tell us Rionya's story.  "Worse than madness?"

OH YES, they would tell us.  There is much worse than madness, they would say, but would never elaborate.

Most people ended up assuming that Rionya was a myth, a folk tale, one of those things that parents tell their kids to keep them in line, not real like Hell or the Lattice World.

I say all this because it would be only natural to think of Rionya if you are from Valhalla and suddenly end up in Limbo.

And also because Rionya is standing over me as I wake up.

And she is mad -- in both senses of the word.

I can tell she is mad, crazy, insane, and also mad, angry, because she is literally frothing at the mouth, and because her eyes are wild -- wide and bloodshot and lacking any pupils whatsoever-- and her hair, which would have been down to her waist if not longer if combed stuck out in all directions, a bizarre hairscape of three, maybe four dimensions.  She is naked, and covered in strange tattoos that seem like words but aren't in any language I can understand.

She's standing there, probably eight feet tall, pointing a finger down at me.

And speaking in some sort of garbled voice.

I can't understand a word she was saying.

"What?" I say, as quietly and as nonethreatingly as I can.  I can't move -- all the stories about Limbo are true, that it is hard to move there, that physical effort won't move you -- and I am too shocked to be able to gather my thoughts.

Rionya garbles something back at me and sneers.

"I don't..." I say, a little louder, but she roars and interrupts me, leaning down and grabbing my left arm and lifting me up over her head.

I dangled there, held up off whatever passed for ground here, staring at her crazy face with little wordlike tattoos on it, those insane eyes looking into mine, for no more than a second before I manage to squeak out:

"Don't hurt me, please"

but if she understands it doesn't show.  She looks at me with one eye, then the other, and then with both again.  I can't imagine how she can see without pupils.

Then she puts me down in front of her, and I am standing, somehow, in the middle of a big blank empty nothingness.

She doesn't let go of my arm, though, and looks at me again, more closely, staring right into my eyes from less than an inch away.

Her breath is minty.

She would be quite pretty, actually, if she wasn't so scary and deranged and messy and tattoo-y.

We stand like that for a long time and then she backs up just an inch.

"Rachel" she says, and before I can say anything she pulls out a knife, slashes it down, cuts off my left hand, turns, and takes off running.

Click here to go on to the next part.

Shopping becomes more exciting (and you don't even need to have your own crickets.)

Let's face it: Shopping online needs to be jazzed up and made a LOT more exciting.

Everything you do online, including this blog -- especially including this blog, right? -- is exciting, EXCEPT shopping.

Here is my impression of someone shopping online:

*looks at tiny thumbnail photo of a laptop.*

*crickets chirp*

You should be impressed: I had to import those crickets.  They're from England.  Adds a touch of class, having crickets chirp with British accents.

Anyway, the point is, shopping online sucks and is boring and stupid, because all you do is page through stuff and click on stuff and spend more money than you want to.

But now, there's a way to fix that problem.  A way to make shopping more exciting.  And that way is...


*crickets rise up and cheer, applauding madly.*
See, even the crickets are excited.  But there are those among you who may not get it, yet, and who may be saying, What is DealDash? 

Don't fret: I will tell you.

DealDash is an auction site, but one with a twist, in that it's both fun and RISK FREE. 

DealDash works like this: You sign up (for free) and begin bidding by buying some bids.  Bids go for as low as $0.60, and DealDash is always offering discounts and sales on the bids.

Then you pick out some stuff you want to bid on.  Right now, as I write this, you can bid on things like Gift Cards, Xbox 360 games, handbags, and more.

And the deals people get on these things are incredible.  A 7" Android tablet just sold, just now, for $9.08.  A woman's 26" bike sold for about four bucks.

So you can see how it's like a game.  Let's say you want to get an iPad for someone.  Say, a blogger.  Someone whose blog you are reading right now.


Let's pretend you want to get me a present, okay?  I mean, I am here slaving away, typing up new stories all the time for you, posting pictures of hot women, coming up with phenomenal plot twists, importing crickets

*crickets cheer again*

and you never even thank me, do you?  So the LEAST you can do is buy a hypothetical gift for the purposes of this post.

Anyway, now that you have decided to get me that gift, you want to save money, so you go register, buy your pack of bids, and find the iPad you want on DealDash and begin bidding.  That's where the fun begins: each bid costs you about $0.60 (or less) and you get to compete with others to get the goods you want for the lowest price.  You might get that iPad for as low as $6.76, the sale price of one on DealDash recently.

And, it's RISK FREE, because if you don't win your first auction, you get your bids back, so there's no risk for being new to the game.  Plus, if you don't get the item you bid on, you can go buy it for the price on the site anyway, and if you do THAT you'll get your bids back, too.

It's like you can't lose.  Isn't that great?  Let's hear it for DealDash.

*crickets begin clapping, and a few do the wave before realizing nobody's into it and sitting back down*

 DealDash is for real: just check out this DealDash Customer Review to get another viewpoint on it.

OH! I should've said DealDash is for RealDash.  Dang it.  Missed an opportunity.

Anyway, I love DealDash.  Love it.  You should go check it out, too, and you will love it, as much as I do.  More, maybe.

That's all for now.  I got to go find a place for all these crickets to crash for a while.  Sweetie is not going to be happy if she comes home and they're lounging all over the house, watching soccer on ESPN2 and eating our Lucky Charms.